A doozy of an update

I have really abandoned this poor blog and let it go.  I'm sorry for that.  I think I am ready to enter the blogging world again.  We've had a lot of stuff going on, and I really was/have been taking it harder than I realized.  I was able to talk about it with some friends, but whenever I would think about blogging I would just not have it in me.  I struggled with sharing all of it, wondering what people would think, I didn't/don't want pity comments, I always hate sounding like I'm complaining, but I also have always taken pride in the fact that I try to keep it "real" on my blog and not sound all perfect (I don't know how I'd even try to pretend to be perfect).  What has happened to us is such a huge part of our lives, I can't/couldn't just brush over it all and move on.  I also have this blog to stay in touch with friends, and how can I do that if I'm not being honest.  I can't think of one person who reads my blog that I know of who would be judgmental and who would not want the best for our family, so I don't know why I've been struggling so much with sharing this, but I have.  I think it's all just been an inner struggle.  I've always been the type of person who likes everyone.  Really, even people I want to not like (I know that sounds bad but it's true), I still find good things about them.  I've never been an angry person, but I really have been quite angry for a while now and I just can't shake it and then I hate that I feel that way because it makes me feel like a bad person.  The anger has slowly turned into disappointment, and I have been feeling lately like I'm going to be able to get over this disappointment soon.  There's no use feeling this way because I can't change anything.  Okay, enough with my own personal pep talk and back story for my absence, I'll just cliff note (ya right!) as much as possible and feel free to ask questions for clarification, maybe it will help me cope.  :)

I was working at the same school that both my boys were in this year and I was loving it.  I loved my boss who had hired me and she also was JJ's teacher at the school. I worked in the age group that Luke was going to transition to, in the other classroom, but I was going to be able to see him a little more throughout the day, and things were going great at the beginning of the year.  My boss knew I wanted more children when she hired me, so she made sure that the school got an insurance plan that would cover maternity care.  My income included free tuition for the boys so I didn't get paid very much, especially after insurance was taken out, but it all worked out for us in the end.  It was comparable to working anywhere else as a teacher and it covered what we needed as a family.  Okay, that's the good part of the back story.

At the beginning of the second semester there started to be more drama at the school and in the end, the owner of the school, who had been retired for about 6 years decided to step back in and she eventually fired the principal/JJ's teacher/my boss.  The situation turned out really nasty and it made it look like the employee had done something really wrong, but I can tell you, because I know first hand that she did nothing wrong it just was a clash of management for lack of getting into the story deeper.  They let her go over the weekend and then put a restraining order against her, so that she couldn't say goodbye to the children and explain to any parents.  The new management started to explain in whatever way they wanted and the teacher couldn't say anything and we were not allowed to either.  I started to become really concerned about JJ because he was hearing all sorts of mixed things from people, and I didn't like the way it was being dealt with and how the children were being manipulated.  Also, for what was an already small class size, 18 or so, it started to get smaller and smaller with children leaving the school and that was a growing concern of ours.  We decided to keep him at the school so that he could have some consistency even though there were a lot of changes going on.  Onto another part of the back story...

We had medical coverage, but every time I would go in to use it, the doctor kept telling me that we weren't covered which was frustrating because I felt like I was/had paid a lot of money toward it and never once could use the services.  When I needed the school (under new management) to back me up with the company, they never would.  They would say they were, but when it came down to it, they didn't fight for me.

When the owner stepped back in, she made it clear to me in a private meeting that she thought I got paid TOO much, which was a HUGE insult to me and that she was upset that I had free tuition for my boys.  In all the 25 years of her owning the school, she never offered a discount like that to teachers and she didn't think it was fair. I tried to explain that I wouldn't have taken the job in the first place if that had not been offered, but she let me know that she was not happy with the contract I was given.  I personally feel like all of the rest of the story stems from this initial fact.  Moving on...

Okay, so I'll just jump into the actual story and I'll try to be quicker, but we all know that's hard for me. :)  A lot of things happened and it all seemed so quick.  For one, the school stopped the medical insurance plan within the matter of a week, so we were very quickly uninsured with not enough notice to get a new coverage.  Then, once we were ready to pick a plan, my hours were cut in more than half, so we then could hardly afford the insurance on the new plan.  With my hours being cut, they also cut Luke's day in half at the school.  When Luke moved up into the older classroom he started to have more and more problems at school.  Crying.  Throwing fits.  Not listening to the teacher.  It only got worse with the change of routine moving to half day, which also cause less/no naps and we all know how that can effect a kid.  They called a meeting with both Jake and I, the owner, his former teacher, and new teacher.  In said meeting, a lot was said, but some including the ideas that they felt were the stems of the problem.  He was not nurtured when he was young.  He was in school too long as we were pursuing our careers, and our parenting must be contributing to his behavior.  They then told us he would be sent home for any bad behavior and that they wanted us to have him psychologically tested.  We tried to be open to what they were saying, but when we asked them questions they would not answer, they would not provide examples, they would not provide documentation, they would not tell us what they were planning to do to help him.  The following week after this was spring break and I watched him closely and I didn't see any of the behavior that they were talking about.  I work in the classroom next door, so I know that he was not behaving well at school, but at home, we didn't see such drastic behavior.  This was when I found out I was pregnant and remember uninsured too.  After spring break, I was asked if I had him tested and I told them no.  We told them from the beginning that we didn't feel a need until they could show us more information, we weren't covered because they canceled our insurance, and they cut my hours so we couldn't afford testing.  We also had told them that we wanted an allergy test and his sleep looked at before we even thought of getting psychologically tested.  It wasn't even two days after I told them we hadn't done it and I was told to not bring him back, and I was to not come into work, until we complied with what they told us.  I then was told that I was not listening because I was "blind to my children's needs".

That night I ended up going to a class at the school I student taught at and the principal offered me a job that night to start the following week.  It was going to be in a severely mentally disabled classroom with the older aged children and after I observed and looked into all of our options I ended up turning the position down.  I was just starting to get sick, there would be a lot of lifting the children in the classroom, and I didn't know where to take Luke for childcare where after paying for it I would make ANY money at all.  It was really hard to be offered something that very night and then have to choose to say no.  That weekend we decided to switch JJ schools.  

So we had some adjusting to do, a new school, being at home with Luke, being sick, no income, no insurance, plus all the hurt, anger, and disappointment I was feeling.  Luke kept talking about missing his friends, and so did JJ.  I also missed my friends, or people I thought were my friends.

Moving onto other stories, Jake's work started to struggle financially and they didn't even have money to pay the paychecks.  We started to really freak out.  Some of the investors/owners of the company were writing personal checks to some employees so they could pay their bills.  Everyone was nervous for their job.  In the end of a long couple of weeks, the company decided to file for bankruptcy and everyone was let go except for Jake and Jake's boss.  During all of this my sickness was getting worse and worse and we still weren't covered.  I couldn't keep any food or water down.  I typically get very sick, but it was extra hard with Luke at home and me not being able to get up off the couch.  I have lost 15 pounds, which also is typical for me I guess, but it sucks. During all this time too, one of our cars was dying on us, so we had to trade it in and got a newer one.  That was a busy and stressful week.  Right before Easter Jake's grandmother died quite unexpectedly.  That only added to more business and sadness.  I did end up getting insurance through the state, but everyone else in the family was denied, so we need to figure that out still.  I have gone in to get checked, and baby is okay, so that was a huge blessing and relief.  I should be over my sicky phase soon, but I have not seen it pass yet. Jake went on a business trip last week which was fun for him but hard on the three of us at home.  It was almost a whole week, but we all survived. 

Throughout all of this it just felt like one thing after another! I know everyone goes through times like this, but it's always hard when it's your turn. I have mostly been struggling with my own emotions through this all.  I'm so angry, sad, depressed, sick, feeling helpless, feeling let down, feeling abandoned, feeling sad and missing the children that I worked with that I didn't get to say goodbye to, feeling like we should be in a better place after all of these years of school and struggles, feeling like I should be resilient and just get back on my feet, feeling like I should take this time to better myself, feeling like I should forgive the people who have hurt me but being mad at myself for not wanting to.  I definitely feel like the Lord is watching out for us.  I have felt His hand in this all from the very beginning when I found out I was pregnant.  It just has been one of those times in my life where I think that I really tried to be smart about it, do what I could to plan, and care for my family, but it got all screwed up! I feel very strongly that the Lord knew that we needed changes to happen in our lives and we weren't really going to do them ourselves so He needed to step in.  There were many times that I wanted to quit but wouldn't because I wanted to keep working with the children I was working with, because I felt our family needed the money, and because I had signed a contract and I was going to fulfill it.  I really would not have chosen to leave though, so it was a blessing to be relieved of that stress, but the way it was done was just very hurtful.  I know it is all going to work out somehow, and one day we'll look back and see even more blessings that have come from these struggles, but it's been hard to be (and I haven't been) one of those strong women to can pick themselves up and just keep going with really strong faith. I have the faith, I feel we're being taken care of, but feeling helpless too.  I haven't been a good friend to most of my friends lately, and I really enjoy reading your blogs and finding strength through your examples.  I think I am ready to try moving past this darkness and into fun again.  I will try to blog, I will try to comment, I will try to hang out with you all soon, so you better all watch out! :)